


Dépressif

by K_Borealis



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Do Kyungsoo | D.O-centric, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:20:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29015727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/K_Borealis/pseuds/K_Borealis
Summary: Sometimes, if we lose control over our brain, we can end up taking the wrong decisions.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Kudos: 5





	Dépressif

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARING
> 
> Implied suicide and self harm
> 
> Please be careful

In the eyes of a depressive person, everything seemed to be grey.

Waking up and living through the day didn’t have meaning.

KyungSoo was really young when he fell into that mental illness, affecting many aspects of his life.

The worse thing? It wasn’t his fault

He still could remember everything clearly, hands touching him, him dizzy, unknown places and, when everything had passed, pain. 

Pure pain.

His significant other in that moment, JongIn, tried to get him out from that hole, encouraging him to resume his hobbies, however, each time Soo saw him he could only remember the event, over and over again, causing tears in their relationship, which affected both.

JongIn ended their relationship, promising that he would still be taking care of him at the distance until they both got better.

Even though he wanted to, he couldn’t blame him, JongIn had a job that consumed most of his energy, his mother was at the hospital due to a medical procedure and a partner that hit him everytime he saw him unwillingly.

But the loneliness he had started to feel after he left was playing against him.

The good memories struck his mind, that happy and playful person he used to be was gone, now the energy he had was only enough to get up, go to the bathroom and then return to bed.

His life became monotone and miserable.

The actual situation didn’t help a bit either,the inability to go out of his house limited him into living in a space when he got a lucid memory almost every second, he couldn’t visit anyone and his therapy sessions became to be calls full of lies about his progress, he couldn’t even go out to buy his medicines, they were brought to him by delivery.

Each time he said to JongIn “i’m fine” to prevent him from worrying, his tears said other thing.

Day by day he was getting worse.

He developed an emptiness deep inside him, at first he thought that it was from hunger or that he was thirsty, but even if he wasn’t the emptiness was still there, his emotions started vanishing and when he noticed he was frustrated, there were days when he wanted to cry, smile, laugh or something.

But nothing happened.

His exasperation was so big that he had to use the least suitable solution. Pain.

It went from hitting himself softly to cuts on his soft skin or bruises in his legs thanks to his fists.

He could feel the pain, his arms itching and the blood slipping from them, the purplish and reddish tones contrasting against his skin deserved to be in a painting.

He tried to not hurt himself in visible zones, to prevent from worrying JongIn or his friends, that also called him through videoconferences.

He felt sick, he was sick, but hearing the cries of help coming from his skin gave him back a part of his humanity.

It was never enough.

Sometimes, the pain was too strong, causing inability to get out of bed, he would just lay there, enduring the pain he had started, he didn’t want to ask for help or he would be admitted to a mental hospital, he was threatened with that before.

Sleeping pills were his friends for that.

After two or three days sleeping, he felt way better, then he would hurt himself again and the cycle would repeat uncountable times.

The pills also helped him to avoid those memories that harassed him day and night.  **ㅡ** If I sleep, nothing will repeat **ㅡ** he said in his head before taking them.

JongIn wan’t a fool, he knew something was off with his behaviour, he always mentioned some type of words that showed his concern, such as:

**“ㅡ** Are you sure that you’re okay? You look pretty tired **ㅡ”**

**“ㅡ** Sleeping again? You should get checked with a doctor, maybe you have something, please. **ㅡ”**

**“ㅡ** Take good care of yourself, okay?, or else i’ll do it myself even if you don’t want to, I want to see you recovered. **ㅡ”**

Even though his heart pleaded for his presence by his side, KyungSoo couldn’t let him see him in that state.

He could recover on his own, he was sure of that.

However, despite his certainty, situations like his weren’t easy to manage without help.

The sadness ended up consuming him, soon he was postrated in bed, drowning inside his thoughts, he stopped working and answering calls, his hygiene and his nourishment were affected but he didn’t care, his energy was over, he felt crushed by tons of rice sacks that didn’t let him get out of bed.

The few essence of life that he used to have seemed to have vanished forever.

His existence had no meaning, his mind repeated lots of overwhelming thoughts full of words that expressed hatred, which only made him want to end everything so he could finally be at peace.

“Waste of oxygen”

**“** Nobody will come for you”

“Nobody cares about you”

“Disappear, no one will notice”

**“** Go on, do it, everyone will thank you”

And, for the first time, he decided to listen and please his brain.

At that point, he wasn't aware of his actions, as if he had converted to a robot, he just did as his brain said.

“Take all your pills, grab the knife, pass it through your wrists, don’t call anyone, let yourself be gone.”

His sight started getting cloudy, his body fell on the floor of the room he was in, every passing second, he could feel his stomach trying to eliminate the medication and the blood slipping out from his arms, his body was slowly losing the fight to survive and now, his mind was at peace.

No voices, no words, no memories, just peace.

But something was wrong, his moral constantly reminded him that something was wrong in all of this, so he asked himself.

**“** Should I really have done it?”

  
  


[...]

  
  


He woke up and a bright light blinded his vision, his head was spinning, he couldn’t recognise where he was at.

Until his sight went clearer. He was alive, in a hospital

He was shocked, how he managed to survived? He was sure that he was alone at his house, was he being robbed that day and the person who broke in took him to the hospital out of kindness?

He looked at his arms, there were lots of bandages covering his cuts, and some tubes connected to a serum which kept him hydrated.

And alive.

A wave of anxiety hit his body, this wasn’t what he wanted, he didn’t want to be alive, the tears started flowing in large amounts, he wanted to get rid of his bandages, open again his wounds, jump from the window, anything.

Anything that could kill him.

He didn’t realize that there was a person sitting next to him, that was awakened due to his loud cries, and was now trying to calm him down.

He was startled when two arms captured his body with strength, he wanted to fight but it didn’t last long, the voice repeating comforting words slowly calmed his hysteria.

JongIn was there.

His appearance had changed, he had dark circles under his swollen eyes, his hair and his clothes looked unattended, his skin and hands were dry.

How long has he been with him?

**ㅡ** The doctor is on his way, but I need you to calm down, okay? **ㅡ** He said softly, with a glimpse of sadness in his voice  **ㅡ** You really scared me, is not usual to find the love of your life half dead on his house, please, don’t do it again. **ㅡ**

He couldn’t respond, so he just nodded.

He had many questions and doubts, he didn’t know what to do with his life now, but at least he knew that he wasn’t completely alone.

**Author's Note:**

> If you could relate to Soo at any given part of the story, please go to therapy 
> 
> Thanks for reading this, cosmic hugs for everyone


End file.
